These Feelings Within Me
by Fembot Axel
Summary: He had been in love with his best friend for his entire life; he knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. And after years upon years, he finally decided to show him. Even if it meant breaking up their engagement. ONESHOT - RIKUxSORA


_These Feelings Within Me_

Love; it comes in all shapes and sizes. I, myself, had never loved anyone more than my best friend, Sora. He had been by my side through thick and thin, never leaving me behind - or at least, not until he met_ her_. Kairi. I couldn't help but despise her very existence, even as I claimed to love her. Sora and I would duel for time spent with her, when in reality, all I wanted was to take her away from him. I wanted him to notice me, not her. Every moment that Sora spent with Kairi was winding him tighter and tighter around her finger. I was losing him.

As we grew older, things began to get more serious; _they_ began to get more serious. What I had originally thought to be puppy love grew into an insatiable desire to have him as my own. I wanted nothing more than for him to love me as I loved him. But, alas, he fell head over heals for our gracefully maturing best friend. Her short, burgundy hair fell to just below her playfully round, perky and newly developed breasts; she was becoming a woman and Sora couldn't take his eyes off of her. It sickened me.

Once high school came around, I had given up on my pursuit towards Kairi; there was no point in trying to win her over just to get Sora's attention. I loved _him_, not her. And it seemed like the harder I tried to love her, the more they fell for each other. I was doing more harm than good at that point, so I had no other choice than to stop. The thought of them together wrecked havoc upon my mind, as well as my heart. His smile, his laugh, everything about him haunted me when I was away from him. I wanted to forget about him, to move on, but life didn't approve of that.

Time continued to pass and before I knew it, we were in college. I still felt my heart sink within my chest every time I saw them together. It was slowly starting to kill me. My love for Sora was so clear and so evident within me that I didn't know how to handle it anymore. I stumbled into the world of drugs and alcohol, leaving my innocence and kind-hearted self behind. What was the point of waiting around for him to love me when I knew it would never happen? What else could help me escape from that bitter reality? Of course, it went unnoticed by them; both neck-deep in a sea of love and passion, but never thinking to rescue me from the depths below.

During the last few weeks of our college careers, he proposed to her - to Kairi - to the woman that won over the man of my dreams. I had always thought that somehow, someway, I'd be able to one day call him mine. He'd be my Sora, my everything. When I heard the news of their engagement, I couldn't help but smile and hold back a few tears as he pulled me in for a hug. The warmth of his body against mine, the oh so familiar smell that had always seemed to intoxicate me; God, did I love that man. But I was happy for him; I was happy that he was happy.

We all decided to celebrate that night. Sora invited a few dozen people over to his apartment and we drank until we couldn't drink anymore. Or perhaps that was just me? I made my way over to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. My own bright, aquamarine eyes stared at me from within the mirror and I couldn't move; it was as if I was looking into my own soul, judging myself for letting him get away, for never telling him how I felt. Maybe I still had a chance? I stared into my own blurred reflection's eyes a few moments longer before I bolted out of the room, my breath short.

My hands clasped onto the handle of the sliding glass doors that led to Sora's back deck. It was a cold, damp night; I could feel the bass from the music pulsing beneath my feet. I pulled out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it after a few failed attempts. My hands were trembling and I slowly made my way to the railing, leaning upon it for support as I took a long drag, inhaling the smoke deep within my lungs. I could never tell him; I could never share those feeling with him. Never.

"Riku? Is everything ok?" The sound of my name coming from his sweet lips could almost always make me smile. But not then. Not at that moment. I glanced at him over my shoulder before nodding slowly and taking another hit off my cigarette.

"Should I pull the futon out for you? It's probably best that you stay here for the night." I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as those words landed upon my ears. I pushed myself away from the railing that had been supporting me, threw the cigarette down onto the deck and stomped it out with my shoe. A low rumbling of laughter made it's way out into the thick air between us as I paced back and forth, my hand sliding through my thick, silver hair.

"Riku?" I nodded to myself, an overwhelming number of thoughts racing throughout my mind, thoughts that I had kept hidden from the world, and perhaps even myself. I laughed once more, walking quickly over to him, my hand clenching the collar of his shirt as I pushed him up against the glass doors.

"Fuck you." Those words seemed to just fall out of my mouth, crashing into his ears and shattering the small amount of love he probably ever had for me. "All these years and you've never realized how I felt. Well, fuck you." I let go and took a few steps away from him, my hands clenching into fists. It was as if my entire body had been torn asunder and filled with the hatred and rage from the Underworld itself.

"The way you felt? About Kairi? Riku, I..." He softly placed a hand on my shoulder as I looked down at him with utter disbelief.

"Kairi? Are you kidding me? This is about _you_ and _me_, Sora." We were both drunk and neither one of us was in the right mind to have this kind of discussion, but I couldn't stop. Words kept spilling from my lips and the confusion upon his face grew more and more obvious. He wasn't getting it. But he _had_ to get it. He had to or else I'd have made absolutely no progress whatsoever.

As we continued to argue, an overwhelming urge to hold him against me took over. I had finally had enough. I had to just show him how I felt, even if it meant losing him forever; at least I would know that I tried. I shook my head in disbelief before taking a few steps towards him, pinning him against the glass doors and kissing him for the first time. An unusual surge of heat rushed through every fiber of my being as our lips finally touched. I smiled into the kiss as I felt him relax and give in. Maybe this was the right thing to do after all. Just maybe.

The sound of glass crashing onto the hard, kitchen floor broke us apart as I looked up through the glass doors and into Kairi's tear-filled eyes.

Months had passed and I had yet to hear from either one of them. A few of our mutual friends had told me that Kairi left him for someone else, others told me he skipped town. All I wanted to know was if he had felt something, too, when we kissed; when our lips had touched. Did he feel _anything_? That was the only thing I would ever need to know. Day after day, it was as if that question was eating me alive. Day after day, until the time came that I got my answer.

I almost didn't hear the soft knock upon the door to my apartment that night, but thankfully I did. I opened it to find _him_ standing in front of me; Sora. He looked up into my eyes and fell onto me, his cheek laying upon my shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me tightly for a moment before pulling away and kissing me softly.

I had always thought that somehow, someway, I'd be able to one day call him mine. He'd be my Sora, my everything. And now, he is.

_Fembot Axel_  
><em>1212/14_


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